This weeks exercise in happiness is supposed to be listing funny stories or news or random hilarious things that have happened to me or I have read/heard about. This comes on what has actually been one of the worst weeks of my life. I can only think of a handful of times ever where I have been this depressed. I am not going to go into detail about the crap that is 2018 and I am not looking for sympathy. I just honestly cannot list one happy/funny thing that has happened in the last 2 weeks because there has been so much bad and right now I am in it and I cannot see past it. I could write a fluff post or just skip this week all together but I am not blogging here to sell you on some perfect social media life. I share me. Right now this is me. I appreciate honesty, whether it is good or bad. I have been exposed to so many obstacles and deceit and hurtful words that cannot be taken back in every area of my existence. I literally feel like I am drowning. I do know depression is a liar. I do know this too shall pass. I believe what does not kill you makes your stronger. I am really trying to be a more positive person. I am really trying to avoid the people and situations that make me feel small. I have even started writing in a daily gratitude journal that I dug up while cleaning out and trying to simplify my life. I am meditating. I am doing all the things. Why do I feel like the more I try to do the right thing the more I jinx myself. Jinxes are real ya'll. I feel like everything I have been grateful for and actually put out into the world has and is falling apart all around me. I have no solid ground. Something has to give. I just need to put this out there because maybe this will jinx my streak of the terrible, no good, very bad day that is my Ground Hog Day life right now.
I walk a lonely path
All on my own
Healing from my demons' wrath
Desperate and alone.
No end is in sight
No relief draws near
Hope has died in the dead of night
This road I walk is fear.
This path built on vows
Broken and unkept
Leaves me to ponder the whys and hows
Of every tear I have wept.
On this dark and painful road
That's brought me to the edge of despair
I walk lonely with my heavy load
Wandering through an endless nightmare.